i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
