3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
