I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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