I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I looked at my own cervix.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
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Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
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You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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