i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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