I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
