I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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