Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
