i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
