i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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