My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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