I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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