She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
