Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
