When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
