Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
