Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
