the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
