he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
