You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
