I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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