Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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