Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
