I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
