U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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