defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
