Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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