he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
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