my sisters under your porch take her home
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
