i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
