I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
