I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
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Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
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Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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