This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
