Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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