My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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