totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
