Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
