My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
