it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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