go do what you do best...puke behind churches
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
