How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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