Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
