She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
