so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
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It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
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I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him