you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
