about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
