Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
