Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
