If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
