I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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