I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
