What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
