i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize