Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
