Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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