his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
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I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
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Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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